A Video of Leeloo's Applesauce Music class with Miss Suzy

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/5c15dd8296347805599aae9336623e16/video/2961615

shared by Murshida 1.26.09

On Compassion Towards Our Children

from zenhabits

by leo babauta

shared by Isa 1.26.09

(photo added by cecily)

“If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.” - Gandhi

The other day I talked about how someone interested in Compassion should talk about compassion towards animals, a group of living beings that is often overlooked.

But just as important is a discussion of compassion towards our own children — people we love and don’t want to see suffer, and yet whose suffering we often cause.

I anticipate this topic will be even more controversial, because as parents we don’t want to think that we cause suffering in our beloved children. But we do (or at least, those of us who use mainstream parenting techniques usually do), and it should be brought out in the open.

I should note that I am among the perpetrators of non-compassionate behavior towards my own children, and I make no claims to perfection. I have recognized the problem, however, and I’m trying to change.

Teaching Compassion to Our Children

First: why is this issue so important? Because creating a more compassionate world requires that the next generation — our children — learn to be compassionate.

And how do we teach compassion to our children? By talking about it or making them read articles on Zen Habits? Well, that’s a good start, but even more important is that we model compassionate behavior — starting in the home. That means we need to be compassionate toward everyone in our homes, including our children.

Sounds great so far, right? But do we actually do this? If you’ve ever “disciplined” a child with a spanking, with a verbal berating, with a time out meant to teach the child a lesson, you’ve acted in a way that isn’t compassionate.

Let’s explore this a bit more.

Discipline Isn’t Compassionate

When a child gets angry, throws a tantrum, throws toys, hits another child, or cries loudly, parents often will use force to stop the child — sometimes this force is simply coercive language with threat of punishment, sometimes it’s picking a child up and putting him in time out, sometimes it’s actual violence through spanking or slapping or worse.

This is “discipline” and it’s meant to teach the child that what she’s doing is wrong. But what message is usually conveyed instead? That it is wrong when we get angry or upset, that our parents will treat us unkindly when we do, that obeying and conforming is more important than being kind and loving.

When a friend is angry or cries, we don’t slap the friend, or yell at him to shut up, or lock him in a room or force him to sit quietly on a couch. That would be considered not only rude behavior but offensive. What the friend needs is compassion, a gentle hug, a receptive ear, someone who understands and feels his pain and wants to end his suffering.

And yet when our children are upset, we often do the opposite: we do not listen or seek to understand or feel their pain or seek to end their suffering. In fact we cause more suffering. That’s not compassionate.

The Cause of Children’s Anger

Why does a child get upset or throw tantrums or have a crying fit? Often because she doesn’t get what she wants. A teen-ager develops a bad attitude and dysfunctional behavior often because he feels controlled, has no freedom, is stifled and smothered.

The cause of our children’s anger is often … us. We don’t give them the freedoms that normal humans deserve. We don’t believe they have the same right to what they want that we as adults do. We believe we know better (when we sometimes don’t) and so we control them.

But is this compassionate? If another adult told us that he knew better than us, would we like it if he controlled us? Would we like it that he didn’t give us freedoms or allow us to do what we wanted? Undoubtedly not.

In fact, this lack of respect, dignity, and freedom would cause us pain and suffering. Just as it does our children.

Instead of being compassionate, we are causing their suffering.

Compassionate Parenting

Fortunately, there is a better way. I’ve been reading a lot about a philosophy called Taking Children Seriously, and it is a radical break from traditional parenting. Just a note: be prepared to have your beliefs about parenting challenged if you read this site, but keep an open mind and be willing to change your mind.

TCS advocates non-coercive parenting — not forcing the child to do anything, but rather educating the child, guiding the child, helping the child, and trying to lead by persuasion rather than coercion.

It sounds good, but in reality it can be difficult for a traditional parent to accept the TCS way, as it means letting go of notions that a child must “listen” (or obey), that we must teach the child certain lessons and the means justifies this end, that education is rightly done through (coercive) schools, that our way is the right way.

While TCS is not a methodology, one of the fundamental concepts that is put into practice by

TCS parents is that of finding a “common preference” rather than either the parent getting her way or the child getting his way. If either of those happens, the other “loses”, which means that either the child or the parent gets hurt.

TCS advocates neither person getting hurt — everyone should win. You do that by considering alternatives until you find an option that both parties are happy with. This is actually consistent with my theory of life — I don’t think we should hurt each other and should find ways to work things out so that everyone is happy whenever possible.

“Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate.” - anonymous

But What About When …

So what do you do if a child is crying or throwing a tantrum and won’t listen to reasoning? You find compassion for the child — you give her a hug, listen to her if she wants to talk about it, help her get what she wants.

That’s compassionate parenting. And this kind of compassion — feeling the suffering of your child and helping him end the suffering — is the model that our children need to learn compassion towards others. And if they grow up to be compassionate, our world is a better place.

There are many other situations parents will have questions about when it comes to this style of parenting, and I won’t be able to answer them all. I suggest you check out the dozens of articles on the TCS website, read their discussion boards and mailing list, and check out a few of the blogs of TCS parents and advocates. They can explain it all much better than I can.

As for me, I am new to compassionate parenting. I have always had compassion for my children, of course, but I was also raised in a traditional authoritarian style and that’s what I’m used to.

It’s hard to change. But I think it is important if I want a more compassionate world.

Once I’ve started with myself and how I treat my children, I can expand from there and show them how to be compassionate towards others in our community, and around the world. But it must start somewhere, and I think with our children is a wonderful place to start.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” - Dr. Seuss

Play!

Leeloo and Xander earlier this month :)

New Being Project Prime Directives

Shared by Masa ~

~ *** ~

The New Being Prime Directives

1. Be aware to never impose your will
onto the child

2. Be aware to never interrupt the
creative flow of the child

3. If special circumstances arise that
require imposing your will, come
from the place of an open heart,
sharing why you did what you did
with the child

4. Always keep your Word with the
child

~ *** ~

From Murshida ~

Leeloo asked me today why I was sitting in front on the couch. I told that another way to see it is that I was sitting on her left.

Then she said, I want to stay in back. I supported that by sharing some advantages . . . she could put her calendar up against my back and flip through the pages and she could rest herself on my back for a minute. She tried both and stayed happily.

Thoughts On Raising a Child

from Isa, 1/19/09

I find myself becoming more aware of the fact that what I'm asking her to do, is as something that I in fact have to do myself.

It may seem obvious, yet, its really subtle. I can't ask her to remember to be polite if I am forgetting my manners as well.

Being a parent is a non-stop mirror.

How I relate emotionally, socially, or physically are exact replicas of how she will relate to the world, and herself.

How I treat others, whether in her presence or not, will translate to her.
I wonder if most parents see this, or if they are see a blank slate in which to control.

I don't know.

Another Article: Are You Raising a Douchebag?

By David Hochman
Published in men.style.com

Also shared by Isa

Do you think it's cute when 4-year-olds opine about Damien Hirst and demand heirloom tomatoes? Sound off below.

Let us begin with the assumption that if you are a parent, you wish for your child every advantage and opportunity. From the ergonomic high chair to that all-important first sushi experience and beyond, life should be as golden for your little one as it is for, say, Pax Jolie-Pitt.

But inevitably the moment arrives when all your doting and care come back on you in the form of a precocious little barb that reminds you in no uncertain terms of . . . you. It might be that his friend Jake's eighth-birthday party was "unbelievably lame" or that "it's weird that Brandon's family flies first-class and we don't," or maybe it's simply that "these taquitos taste like turd."

It's then that you must reckon with the real possibility that your drive to make little Johnny better, smarter, and hipper has merely turned him into a douchebag. Put it this way: If it's your child, not you, who gets to choose your weekend brunch spot, or if he's the one asking how the branzino is prepared, it's probably time to take a hard look at your own behavior.

It's not like we're the first generation to turn out Frankenkinder. Since the dawn of time, parents have been dressing their kids in ridiculous sailor suits and dragging them on ski trips to Gstaad. But lately it feels like we're scaling new heights as bad examples. We create parenting blogs that transform our preschoolers into fetishized celebrities. We subscribe to magazines that suggest buying a 5-year-old a $400 Marc Jacobs cashmere hoodie. We think it's cute when our kids learn to text message (until we realize POS means "parent over shoulder") and quietly rejoice when they can tell which Ramone is Dee Dee and which one is Joey.

Alas, convenient as it might be, we can't blame the children. "There's no such thing as a spoiled gene," says parenting expert Michele Borba, author of Don't Give Me That Attitude! "The brat factor is all learned." Which means that if you're the dad pushing Junior around in a limited-edition Bugaboo stroller by Bas Kosters ($2,000), carrying a Louis Vuitton diaper bag ($1,380), and checking in at a members-only parenting club like Citi-babes in Manhattan (annual membership: $2,000), your offspring are probably developing some serious entitlement issues. Just read the news. The Wall Street Journal recently reported on the rise of sixth-grade "fashion bullies" who terrorize peers who don't wear Junior Dolce & Gabbana. Then there was the New York Times article on youngsters—4-year-olds!—who fancy themselves collectors of highly coveted works of art.

It's not just about money, though. Since the nineties, a surge in overprotective parenting has promoted discussion over discipline and made leisure activities contingent upon nanny CPR training (have you ever even considered letting your kid play with a pocket knife or a rusty Flexible Flyer, never mind have a paper route?).

In 1999, Katie Allison Granju wrote a book, Attachment Parenting, about the virtues of catering to the needs and emotions of the very young, from breast-feeding-on-demand to co-sleeping. While she still advocates that approach, she also believes that society tries to turn babies into children too fast and then treats older kids much like babies. Her forthcoming book is titled Let Them Run With Scissors: How Over-Parenting Hurts Children, Parents and Society. "We no longer allow children to have personal autonomy, to experience hard knocks, or to take real risks," she says. "The result is a nation of overweight, overindulged, overly neurotic kids who whine and moan and often can't function on their own."

It certainly doesn't help that we 21st- century thirty- and fortysomething parents expect our children to dress, speak, and appreciate Roxy Music just like us. "The Mini-Me phenomenon of kids wearing Sex Pistols T-shirts and sending back foie gras is cute but also gross and dangerous," says Ada Calhoun, the editor-in-chief of Babble, an online bible for hipster parents. "If you've turned your kid into a carbon copy of yourself, that kid loses his voice. He's only trying to please the grown-up, who only wants to live vicariously through the kid."

Greg Ramey is a child psychologist with nearly 30 years of experience counseling families and children at Dayton Children's in Dayton, Ohio. He says the biggest change he's seen is that parents no longer want to act like parents. "Over and over, I see parents who try to be their kids' best friends," he says. "That's a flashing red light. Our kids don't need to be our buddies. They can like us when they're 30. Mostly what kids want is for a parent to be in charge."

The consequences of parental boundary blurring are everywhere. As Vanity Fair recently noted, 2007 is the "year the mothers of Hollywood's wild girls—Paris, Lindsay, and Britney—have found themselves almost as much a part of the tabloid circus as the daughters themselves."

Fortunately, it's never too late to fix the problem. Sharon Pieters sees kids with terrible behavior make the turnaround week after week, and it has everything to do with parenting, she says. The former nanny runs Child Minded, a parent-coaching company that goes into homes to vanquish the Scylla and Charybdis of offspring hell: disrespect and boorishness. For $1,200 a day, Pieters will help parents tame their brats. Whether it's a problem with too much stuff ("I visited some kids in Long Island who had their own moon bounce," Pieters says) or incessant back talk ("Some children's vocabulary is limited to 'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!'"), the solution is the same: "Set limits and stick to them." The hard part for most moms and dads is admitting there's a problem in the first place. Borba, the parenting writer, says, "The last thing parents today want after a day of work is to come home and be a cop. They think it's going to hurt the child's self-esteem to get a hard no. But you have to look at your kids and say, 'Are they turning out the way I want them to turn out?' If not, it's up to you to start to change things."

That takes care of the kids, but what about you? A possible solution comes from Asra Q. Nomani, who recently wrote an essay on Babble about being trapped in a cycle of out-of-control birthday parties, in which she kept trying to outdo the previous year's festivities. Turns out what her kid liked most wasn't the trip in the limo to the recording studio or even the playtime with a real tiger cub. It was the simpler, everyday stuff, the things that any kid's birthday party might include, like a birthday cake. Which makes you realize, the next time your inner douchebag tells you to book Criss Angel for your son's fifth birthday, you might want to take a deep breath and give yourself a hard no.

Making Room for Miss Manners Is a Parenting Basic

A New York Times Article By Perri Klass, M.D.
Published: January 12, 2009

Shared by Isa

*******

For years, I took care of a very rude child. When he was 3, I called him rambunctious — and I talked to his mother about “setting limits.” At 4, I called him “demanding.” At 5, he was still screaming at his mother if she didn’t do what he wanted, he still swatted me whenever I tried to examine him, and his mother asked me worriedly if I thought he was ready for kindergarten.

I could go on (he didn’t have an easy time in school), but it would sound like a Victorian tale: The Rude Boy. I never used the word “rude” or even “manners” when I spoke to his mother. I don’t describe my patients as rude or polite in the medical record. But I do pass judgment, and so does every pediatrician I know.

It’s always popular — and easy — to bewail the deterioration of manners; there is an often quoted (and often disputed) story about Socrates’ complaining that the young Athenians have “bad manners, contempt for authority.” Sure, certain social rubrics have broken down or blurred, and sure, electronic communication seems to have given adults as well as children new ways to be rude. But the age-old parental job remains.

And that job is to start with a being who has no thought for the feelings of others, no code of behavior beyond its own needs and comforts — and, guided by love and duty, to do your best to transform that being into what your grandmother (or Socrates) might call a mensch. To use a term that has fallen out of favor, your assignment is to “civilize” the object of your affections.

My favorite child-rearing book is “Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children,” by Judith Martin, who takes the view that manners are at the heart of the whole parental enterprise. I called her to ask why.

“Every infant is born adorable but selfish and the center of the universe,” she replied. It’s a parent’s job to teach that “there are other people, and other people have feelings.”

The conversations that every pediatrician has, over and over, about “limit setting” and “consistently praising good behavior” are conversations about manners. And when you are in the exam room with a child who seems to have none, you begin to wonder what is going on at home and at school, and questions of family dysfunction or neurodevelopmental problems begin to cross your mind.

Dr. Barbara Howard, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and an expert on behavior and development, told me that a child’s manners were a perfectly appropriate topic to raise at a pediatric visit.

“It has a huge impact on people’s lives — why wouldn’t you bring it up?” she said. “Do they look you in the eye? If you stick your hand out do they shake it? How do they interact with the parents; do they interrupt, do they ask for things, do they open Mommy’s purse and take things out?”

Dr. Howard suggested that the whole “manners” concept might seem a little out of date — until you recast it as “social skills,” a very hot term these days. Social skills are necessary for school success, she pointed out; they affect how you do on the playground, in the classroom, in the workplace.

We also think of social skills as a profound set of challenges that complicate the lives of children — and adults — on what is now called the autism spectrum. Children with autism, whether mild or severe, have great difficulty learning social codes, deciphering subtle body language or tone of voice, and catching on to the rules of the game.

Therapy for these children can include systematic training in social skills, sometimes using scripts for common human interactions. And one lesson, Dr. Howard said, “is that you can teach this stuff, and we maybe aren’t teaching it as well as we should be to children who are developing normally.”

And of course, one of the long-term consequences of being a rude child is being a rude adult — even a rude doctor. There are bullies on the playground and bullies in the workplace; it can be quite disconcerting to encounter a mature adult with 20 or so years of education under his belt who still sees the world only in terms of his own wants, needs and emotions: I want that so give it to me; I am angry so I need to hit; I am wounded so I must howl.

I like Miss Manners’ approach because it lets a parent respect a child’s intellectual and emotional privacy: I’m not telling you to like your teacher; I’m telling you to treat her with courtesy. I’m not telling you that you can’t hate Tommy; I’m telling you that you can’t hit Tommy. Your feelings are your own private business; your behavior is public.

But that first big counterintuitive lesson — that there are other people out there whose feelings must be considered — affects a child’s most basic moral development. For a child, as for an adult, manners represent a strategy for getting along in life, but also a successful intellectual engagement with the business of being human.

I did not enjoy visits with my rude patient. Despite his generally good health and his normal developmental milestones, I couldn’t help feeling that the adult world had failed to guide and protect him. He was loud and demanding and insistent, but one of his basic needs had not been met: no one had taught him manners.

As a pediatrician, I worry about the trajectories of children’s growth and development: measuring a baby’s head size, weighing a toddler, asking about the language skills of a preschooler. Manners are another side of the journey every child makes from helplessness to autonomy. And a child who learns to manage a little courtesy, even under the pressure of a visit to the doctor, is a child who is operating well in the world, a child with a positive prognosis.

Follow Up and Photos from Sophia

Shared by Sophia Thank you for sharing the meeting notes. Two days this week I was gifted the opportunity to play. Below is Geo and Leeloo having fun together and then Leeloos new friend Heena. Heena is a Japanese girl who is 2 1/2 and she lives down the street. It was a completely successful bond and friendship that was formed between the two of them today.

Leeloo was a little sluggish before we went to play and she rested in my bed by herself for an entire 7 minutes while I was in the other room on the couch. She was quiet and contemplative. Afterwards she was ready for more play!

Notes from New Being Meeting

...shared by Isa, 1/19/09

Ideas Shared.
Precisely protecting the New Being from the seeds of your own tension.
First time of Integration between the nuclear and extended family.

Three Main Topics.

Showing Leeloo to become considerate and respectful to others

Activity and Repose - Showing Leeloo another way other than reaching for stimulants as a way to stay awake and energized.

Creating a Clutter Free environment.

Notes from meeting.

Developing the Yang in the New Being Project

Boundaries

Drain your tension about what's happening

Safety and Cruelty are high on the list of creating boundaries.

Creating play as a way of learning boundaries.

Use pretend/real game as a way through

Stay playful, and humorous then correct the situation.


Developing Manners in a non-dualistic space

Imitation first. No scripting for the child. Be the example of such.

Ask permission from leeloo's ma and pa to go places. Stay connected with the nuclear family.


In response to Leeloo...
'Being First" - Practice Sharing turns
Comparison - Show her that everyone is different, and it's okay that people are different height/color hair etc...

Playing Dress up as a Creative Act!

...sent by Sophia

Creative children know how to pretend. They are curious about everything. They learn to invent imaginary situations in which they can play make believe. Children who are creative put their physical and mental energies into developing something new, different, or something that is simply uniquely theirs. To be creative means taking a chance at something new. Leeloo is open, free, inventive, uninhibited, playful and deeply wants to learn. She laughs, plays and is completely present in her "dress up" play date with her friend Melissa. In the smallest moment of time Leeloo's dress up experience became and act of love and delight. Everyone is Creative, this is her message.

Our son Xander picked up an electric guitar tuner this evening. He held it to his ear, started speaking his own amazing language into it, and walked around and around and around the house... I saw myself! Me, the one who can't sit still on the phone... the one who paces and multitasks... too often. I am working on this discipline. One thing at a time...

How timely that I found this piece from William Martin, the author of "The Parent's Tao Te Ching." He speaks so well of parenting. The second part reminds me of David's comment that our son "has the attention span of a goldfish."

Beautiful, I say.

*******

Become The Student

Children are fascinated by the ordinary

and can spend timeless moments

watching sunlight play with dust.

Their restlessness they learn from you.

It is you who are thinking of there

when you are here.

It is you who thinks of then

instead of now.

Stop.

Let your children become the teachers,

and you become the student.

Your children may frequently change the focus

of their attention.

But this is not restlessness.

It is curiosity.

When they are doing something

they are doing only that

until they move to the next thing.

Watch them.

Let them set the pace.

See what you can learn.

Uplifting our Children

...shared by Sophia

A COVENANT

FOR HONORING CHILDREN

We find these joys to be self evident: That all children are created whole, endowed with innate intelligence, with dignity and wonder, worthy of respect. The embodiment of life, liberty and happiness, children are original blessings, here to learn their own song. Every girl and boy is entitled to love, to dream and belong to a loving “village.” And to pursue a life of purpose.

We affirm our duty to nourish and nurture the young, to honour their caring ideals as the heart of being human. To recognize the early years as the foundation of life, and to cherish the contribution of young children to human evolution.

We commit ourselves to peaceful ways and vow to keep from harm or neglect these, our most vulnerable citizens. As guardians of their prosperity we honour the bountiful Earth whose diversity sustains us. Thus we pledge our love for generations to come.

CHILD HONOURING PRINCIPLES

The words of A Covenant for Honouring Children suggest nine guiding principles for living. Taken together, they offer a holistic way of restoring natural and human communities, thus brightening the outlook for the world we share. They form the basis for a multi-faith consensus on societal renewal.

Respectful Love
is key. It speaks to the need to respect children as whole people and to encourage them to know their own voices. Children need the kind of love that sees them as legitimate beings, persons in their own right. Respectful love instills self-worth; it’s the prime nutrient in human development. Children need this not only from parents and caregivers, but from the whole community.

Diversity
is about abundance: of human dreams, intelligences, cultures, and cosmologies; of earthly splendours and ecosystems. Introducing children to biodiversity and human diversity at an early age builds on their innate curiosity. There’s a world of natural wonders to discover, and a wealth of cultures, of ways to be human. Comforted by how much we share, we’re able to delight in our differences.

Caring Community
refers to the “village” it takes to raise a child. The community can positively affect the lives of its children. Child-friendly shopkeepers, family resource centres, green schoolyards, bicycle lanes, and pesticide-free parks are some of the ways a community can support its young.

Conscious Parenting
can be taught from an early age; it begins with empathy for newborns. Elementary and secondary schools could teach nurturant parenting (neither permissive nor oppressive) and provide insight into the child-rearing process. Such knowledge helps to deter teen pregnancies and unwanted children. Emotionally aware parents are much less likely to perpetuate abuse or neglect.

Emotional Intelligence
sums up what early life is about: a time for exploring emotions in a safe setting, learning about feelings and how to express them. Those who feel loved are most able to learn and to show compassion for others. Emotional management builds character and is more important to later success than IQ. Cooperation, play, and creativity all foster the “EQ” needed for a joyful life.

Nonviolence
is central to emotional maturity, to family relations, to community values, and to the character of societies that aspire to live in peace. It means more than the absence of aggression; it means living with compassion. Regarding children, it means no corporal punishment, no humiliation, no coercion. “First do no harm,” the physicians’ oath, must now apply to all our relations; it can become a mantra for our times. A culture of peace begins in a nonviolent heart, and a loving home.

Safe Environments
foster a child’s feeling of security and belonging. The very young need protection from the toxic influences that permeate modern life-from domestic neglect and maltreatment, to the corporate manipulations of their minds, to the poisonous chemicals entering their bodies. The first years are when children are most impressionable and vulnerable; they need safeguarding.

Sustainability
refers not merely to conservation of resources, renewable energy development, and anti-pollution laws. To be sustainable, societies need to build social capacity by investing in their young citizens, harnessing the productive power of a contented heart. The loving potential of every young child is a potent source for good in the world.

Ethical Commerce
is fundamental to a child-honouring world. It includes a revolution in the design, manufacture and sale of goods; corporate reform; “triple bottom line” business; full-cost accounting; tax and subsidy shifts; political and economic cycles that reward long-term thinking. Ethical commerce would enable a restorative economy devoted to the well being of the very young.

By Raffi, a children's singer and advocate for healthy childraising.

More here:

http://www.raffinews.com/child-honouring/covenant-principles

Shared by Isa 1/7/09

Just think of a child:

a child is born,

for the first time a child opens his eyes --

he will see the trees,

but he will not be able to say to himself,

"These are trees."

He will see light,

but he will not be able to say within himself,

"This is electric light."

He will see the redness of the rose,

but he will not be able to say,

"This is a roseflower and the color is red."

He will see everything,

but he will not say anything inside.

That is mirroring:

he will simply mirror.

The trees will still be green,

in fact far greener than they will ever be again,

because the mirror is completely pure,

crystalline.

The mirror has no dust...

thoughts gather dust.

-Osho

. . . : : : Welcome : : : . . .

A place to collect inspirations, teachings, stories, passages and other pieces of the evolving and thriving New Being Project as we continue on, as a village. Contributions can be sent to cmak@real.com for posting. Be well.