Rocks, Puddles.... Gratitude

I left work early yesterday so that I could have some of the first rain-free day in what feels like weeks with Xander. He wanted to go to the park. I just let him take us there... and be. I wanted to practice the New Being Prime Directives with him too, after a couple of days of a lot of movement in our home and family (my teaching late on Wednesday, a lovely visit from Jack and Jenn, Dad being out of town for a few nights, etc.).

We went to a lovely park nestled in a redwood grove on a creek just a block or so away from our home. Xander wanted to play with two dogs there - and was great about approaching them with his hand out turned down as a gentle greeting. He wanted me to throw the ball for the more hyper one. I did. He was knocked down at one point, but understood that it was an accident as I explained it and was soon back up on his feet and running again.

Then he wanted to play in the wet sand. We did. He wanted to climb the rocks. We did. Then he wanted to be on the play structure; we climbed and slid down the slide several times.

Eventually we ended up at the water fountain where Xander picked up a rock and ran it over to the HUGE puddle in the middle of the park. He threw it in and screamed with glee... "splash." He went back to get another... ran back to the puddle... splash! Squeal!! This went on and on... at least a dozen running trips back and forth... up and down three steps (no hands!) each time.

At one point I showed Xander that he has pockets. He could fill his pockets with rocks and take a few handfuls to the puddle and throw rocks and splash for several minutes without having to make another trip for more. Seeing a new being discover pockets is a gift...

Eventually, Xander realized that this body of water that had supplied us with so many spectacular splashes was the same kind of body of water that collects in our driveway on occasion... a puddle! ...and the kind of puddle that is SO FUN to run through! So... he looked at me, then the puddle, and then at me... and then the puddle... and then geared up and ran through it - drenching himself and his clothes with muddy water in pure New Being Bliss!

I did not impose my will on him. As much as I was inclined to keep him and his shoes and clothes clean and dry, I did not interrupt his creative flow. Several people - hikers, parents, grandparents, teachers and other neighbors walked through the park as it started to get dark and Xander continued to trample from one end of the puddle to the other, with more and more glee each time. Some looked on with a smile, appreciating the immaculate beauty of a toddler enjoying running through a muddy rain puddle. Some looked on with slight scorn... how could a mother let her son get so wet and dirty? Why isn't she controlling her child? I let it all wash over me, and continued to share in the joy with Xander.

At one point Xander came to me, watching happily on the sideline... tugged at my pants. "Mommy... mommy" pulling me towards the puddle. "Oh, you want me to go through the puddle too?" (Head nodding...) "Yes!" I looked down. Everything, including my shoes were washable. Why not? My amazing son is encouraging his mother... still in some ways wrapped up in the stresses of the day... to run through a muddy puddle. Thank you, Xander! Yes! So, we ran through the puddle together... a few times...

When we finally started to make our way home, there was some resistance from him along the way. He wanted to go into other peoples driveways... go into the street... For his safety, and in an effort to get us both home before we were too hungry, thirsty and cold... I had to impose my will, though in the most gentle way possible. I explained my/our reasoning and did so with An Open Heart. When we arrived I kept my Word... we had a snack, and got snuggled up in warm clothes and eased into a transition for the next part of the evening...

So, some Gratitude. Thank you, New Beings. Thank you, Puddles. Thank you, Rocks. Thank YOU for the awareness that allowed us to share this experience. And most of all, Thank you, Xander, for being a New Being and bringing out the New Being, in me!

Wise and inspiring words ~

A quote from, of all people, Gweneth Paltrow:

...it has been my personal experience (both as a child and a mother) that children are like little radios picking up our frequency. They know the real truth about what we are feeling versus what we are presenting and it is incredibly isolating to find a major discrepancy between the two. When in my grown-up sphere I am confronted with disappointment or my own intolerance and a bad mood to boot, I often name what is going on (in other words, I say, "Mommy is having a hard day, and I am feeling upset") so that the very mundane human “bad” feelings do not turn into some grim phantom in the room with me. Sometimes I don’t have the maturity in the moment, and when it fails me, I apologize at bedtime when my children and I are having a talk. I have felt my daughter’s whole body sigh in relief when I have simply and very specifically voiced regretting my own behavior.

Here’s to doing the best we can.

...and from one of her inspriations:

I’ve found that one of the most effective ways to be with our children is to try to make sure that they always feel heard. The forums for this change as they grow older, but it was important to us that from a very young age that our children knew that their opinions mattered and that they had a voice.

When they were toddlers, we incorporated them into the routines and decision-making of the household. This was not just a matter of getting them to pitch in. The daily goings-on in the house provided a setting in which the children could exercise their judgment and their preferences. On trips to the store, we gave our two-year-old simple choices about what to buy. It was up to her whether we would have striped or polka-dotted beach towels for the summer. The same was true of getting dressed in the morning. No color coordination is worth forfeiting the empowering feeling of putting together an outfit. For toddlers, this is the equivalent of your parents hanging on your every word.

Our dinner table reflects similar priorities. We work hard to ensure that the opinions of our 10-year-old son and his thoughts on the Presidential Inauguration are given as much air time as those of his politics-obsessed father. While it’s sometimes a struggle to stay as focused on the details of our seventh grader’s 11-0 field hockey game when her high school senior brother is waiting to recount his nail-biter basketball story, that validation goes a long way.

I’ve noticed that the lines begin to blur on the topic of being heard when the kids get into high school. I’m not sure that they want or need to be heard nearly as much as I want to hear them. And they know that information is power. It never occurred to me when I was doing call-and-response clapping with our two-year-old son in Kindermusik that 15 years later, I would stand in the kitchen anticipating the slam of the front door after practice, hoping his grunt of “hey” might turn into a conversation. Or that I would be aware that the odds of getting the first eye contact in three days go up dramatically if he happens to be “starving” and pauses at the refrigerator on his way down to the basement. But I’m trusting that beyond thinking that I’m a needy mom, they know that we value and learn from what they have to contribute.

We don’t outgrow the longing to be heard. I recently returned to work after 18 years at home with our children. At the end of the interview process, I met with the man for whom I would be working. His questions and attention to my narrative made me feel like I had truly been heard and understood. I knew immediately that hour had made the whole journey worth it – regardless of the outcome. I did end up getting the job but I also got a reminder of the importance of actively listening to children – of any age.

-Heidi Butz

A Video of Leeloo's Applesauce Music class with Miss Suzy

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/5c15dd8296347805599aae9336623e16/video/2961615

shared by Murshida 1.26.09

On Compassion Towards Our Children

from zenhabits

by leo babauta

shared by Isa 1.26.09

(photo added by cecily)

“If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.” - Gandhi

The other day I talked about how someone interested in Compassion should talk about compassion towards animals, a group of living beings that is often overlooked.

But just as important is a discussion of compassion towards our own children — people we love and don’t want to see suffer, and yet whose suffering we often cause.

I anticipate this topic will be even more controversial, because as parents we don’t want to think that we cause suffering in our beloved children. But we do (or at least, those of us who use mainstream parenting techniques usually do), and it should be brought out in the open.

I should note that I am among the perpetrators of non-compassionate behavior towards my own children, and I make no claims to perfection. I have recognized the problem, however, and I’m trying to change.

Teaching Compassion to Our Children

First: why is this issue so important? Because creating a more compassionate world requires that the next generation — our children — learn to be compassionate.

And how do we teach compassion to our children? By talking about it or making them read articles on Zen Habits? Well, that’s a good start, but even more important is that we model compassionate behavior — starting in the home. That means we need to be compassionate toward everyone in our homes, including our children.

Sounds great so far, right? But do we actually do this? If you’ve ever “disciplined” a child with a spanking, with a verbal berating, with a time out meant to teach the child a lesson, you’ve acted in a way that isn’t compassionate.

Let’s explore this a bit more.

Discipline Isn’t Compassionate

When a child gets angry, throws a tantrum, throws toys, hits another child, or cries loudly, parents often will use force to stop the child — sometimes this force is simply coercive language with threat of punishment, sometimes it’s picking a child up and putting him in time out, sometimes it’s actual violence through spanking or slapping or worse.

This is “discipline” and it’s meant to teach the child that what she’s doing is wrong. But what message is usually conveyed instead? That it is wrong when we get angry or upset, that our parents will treat us unkindly when we do, that obeying and conforming is more important than being kind and loving.

When a friend is angry or cries, we don’t slap the friend, or yell at him to shut up, or lock him in a room or force him to sit quietly on a couch. That would be considered not only rude behavior but offensive. What the friend needs is compassion, a gentle hug, a receptive ear, someone who understands and feels his pain and wants to end his suffering.

And yet when our children are upset, we often do the opposite: we do not listen or seek to understand or feel their pain or seek to end their suffering. In fact we cause more suffering. That’s not compassionate.

The Cause of Children’s Anger

Why does a child get upset or throw tantrums or have a crying fit? Often because she doesn’t get what she wants. A teen-ager develops a bad attitude and dysfunctional behavior often because he feels controlled, has no freedom, is stifled and smothered.

The cause of our children’s anger is often … us. We don’t give them the freedoms that normal humans deserve. We don’t believe they have the same right to what they want that we as adults do. We believe we know better (when we sometimes don’t) and so we control them.

But is this compassionate? If another adult told us that he knew better than us, would we like it if he controlled us? Would we like it that he didn’t give us freedoms or allow us to do what we wanted? Undoubtedly not.

In fact, this lack of respect, dignity, and freedom would cause us pain and suffering. Just as it does our children.

Instead of being compassionate, we are causing their suffering.

Compassionate Parenting

Fortunately, there is a better way. I’ve been reading a lot about a philosophy called Taking Children Seriously, and it is a radical break from traditional parenting. Just a note: be prepared to have your beliefs about parenting challenged if you read this site, but keep an open mind and be willing to change your mind.

TCS advocates non-coercive parenting — not forcing the child to do anything, but rather educating the child, guiding the child, helping the child, and trying to lead by persuasion rather than coercion.

It sounds good, but in reality it can be difficult for a traditional parent to accept the TCS way, as it means letting go of notions that a child must “listen” (or obey), that we must teach the child certain lessons and the means justifies this end, that education is rightly done through (coercive) schools, that our way is the right way.

While TCS is not a methodology, one of the fundamental concepts that is put into practice by

TCS parents is that of finding a “common preference” rather than either the parent getting her way or the child getting his way. If either of those happens, the other “loses”, which means that either the child or the parent gets hurt.

TCS advocates neither person getting hurt — everyone should win. You do that by considering alternatives until you find an option that both parties are happy with. This is actually consistent with my theory of life — I don’t think we should hurt each other and should find ways to work things out so that everyone is happy whenever possible.

“Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate.” - anonymous

But What About When …

So what do you do if a child is crying or throwing a tantrum and won’t listen to reasoning? You find compassion for the child — you give her a hug, listen to her if she wants to talk about it, help her get what she wants.

That’s compassionate parenting. And this kind of compassion — feeling the suffering of your child and helping him end the suffering — is the model that our children need to learn compassion towards others. And if they grow up to be compassionate, our world is a better place.

There are many other situations parents will have questions about when it comes to this style of parenting, and I won’t be able to answer them all. I suggest you check out the dozens of articles on the TCS website, read their discussion boards and mailing list, and check out a few of the blogs of TCS parents and advocates. They can explain it all much better than I can.

As for me, I am new to compassionate parenting. I have always had compassion for my children, of course, but I was also raised in a traditional authoritarian style and that’s what I’m used to.

It’s hard to change. But I think it is important if I want a more compassionate world.

Once I’ve started with myself and how I treat my children, I can expand from there and show them how to be compassionate towards others in our community, and around the world. But it must start somewhere, and I think with our children is a wonderful place to start.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” - Dr. Seuss

Play!

Leeloo and Xander earlier this month :)

New Being Project Prime Directives

Shared by Masa ~

~ *** ~

The New Being Prime Directives

1. Be aware to never impose your will
onto the child

2. Be aware to never interrupt the
creative flow of the child

3. If special circumstances arise that
require imposing your will, come
from the place of an open heart,
sharing why you did what you did
with the child

4. Always keep your Word with the
child

~ *** ~

From Murshida ~

Leeloo asked me today why I was sitting in front on the couch. I told that another way to see it is that I was sitting on her left.

Then she said, I want to stay in back. I supported that by sharing some advantages . . . she could put her calendar up against my back and flip through the pages and she could rest herself on my back for a minute. She tried both and stayed happily.